silly putty personified.

In times of change, the learner will inherit the earth while the learned will find themselves well equipped to deal with a world that no longer exists. - Eric Hoffer

I think I alluded to the fact that I’m in grad school right now, yes? Well, I am.  I work, too. But, I’ve always wanted a masters degree, and I just like school. (Nerd, I know. It’s okay.) 

I expected the grad school experience to be somewhat academically challenging, and it is. But, quite frankly, the experience has pretty much rocked me emotionally, mentally, socially… I feel like my life has been roughed up, rolled through the dirt, and hung up on a flag pole by its belt loops (or underwear, depending on how familiar you are with 80s high school movies.)  The adult I thought I had become in the five years I spent working after undergrad is being questioned each and every day… sometimes by my professors, often by my classmates, but mostly by me.

Maybe that sounds bad at first. But, lately anything having to do with school (classes, friends, etc.) does legitimately make me nauseous. Though, the idealist in me would like to think that each time I encounter something or someone that makes me question my worth as a student, friend, or person in general, I am growing.  That at the end of the day all of those little hurdles and the steps I take to get over them are molding me into a better version of myself.  (Yes, I realize that somewhere in Hollywood right now, James Horner is composing background music for that statement.) 

All kidding aside, I guess I thought I was done learning… at least for the rest of my 20s.  So this revelation is really just… wow.  I mean, I have considered myself a fairly confident, independent young woman.  I have faith in my abilities to contribute to my school, my friends, my job, my community, the world in general.  And I thought that who I had become by September of 2009 when grad school started was the person I was going to be until I…. I don’t know, turned 30, or got married (ugh), or moved to a foreign country or something. 

But, I was wrong. 

And I don’t like being wrong. And I especially don’t like admitting that I was wrong. 

I’m the person people come to for advice, to talk through all their insecurities.  How can I not have it all together?  I don’t think I expected to learn so much about myself and other people at this point in my life, at an institution I have so much history with, in a city I think of as my second home, in the state I grew up in. I feel like where I fit, who I fit with, and what I’m best purposed for is totally different than what I thought even just six months ago. Heck, even just a week ago.

Our futures are changing with each interaction, event, and decision of our daily lives.  You may not realize your life is changing that often, that rapidly… and you certainly won’t know how it’s changing. But it is.  And it’s the lack of control that can drive you crazy… to the point that you don’t let yourself learn from what’s happening, because change is scary, and no one likes to deal with it. Even those of us who think we’re great at it, or have even been paid to help others deal with it (Thanks, Uncle D.) 

I have done such a good job of convincing myself that I am already the woman I want to be, that I’m not letting myself become the woman that I can be. 

So I guess what I’m saying is thanks, grad school, for making sure I don’t get too comfortable. Go ahead, mold me, shape me, whatever you need to do.  I'll probably whine about it, but I'll deal with it and I'll try to remember that it's good for me and good for the world. You really are one smart cookie. That Eric Hoffer guy is, too.